Gratitude, not Goblin
on leaning away from my guilt
The night after our wedding, Jake and I returned home from Joshua Tree to dump our decor, repack our bags, and reset before leaving for our honeymoon the next day. We sat at the kitchen table with the box of cards in front of us while we went one-by-one through the pile. What a strange experience! Some of the cards were simply signed at the bottom, others filled with loving words from our friends and family so tightly written they ran onto the back. And one thing I didn’t expect- checks. We sat there in disbelief and at times, tears, at the generosity of our friends and family.
I intentionally tried to push the outdated traditions of weddings that no longer applied to Jake and I out of our ceremony and reception. No bridal party, no use of the word ‘submit’ in the ceremony, no horrifying garter toss in front of my own father. But while financial support (originating as a dowry) is common for newly weds, it never crossed my mind as something Jake and I would partake in. We’d hoped to receive a little money to help out with the honeymoon, though we’d saved up on credit card points, but our friends and family’s generosity blew our expectations out of the water. Swirling alongside the disbelief, I began to recognize the unmistakable pang of guilt settle into my stomach.
Did we spend enough time with that couple this weekend? I didn’t get to talk with this person enough, we have to go out and visit them so they know we appreciate them. They probably wouldn’t have given us this money unless they really cared about us and we barely gave them a full 30 minutes the entire weekend! We don’t deserve this!!
Suddenly in my mind, I’d booked out our next 7 trips. All to visit family, all to connect with people I didn’t feel we’d earned the generosity of from the weekend. Repaying this sense of indebtedness was the only priority- and the only solution I could think of to appease the Guilt Goblin whispering in my ear. I was going to single-handedly make sure everyone knew how unbelievably grateful-and-indebted-we-were-to-them-though-we-were-not-worthy-so-help-me-God.
Upon the thought, warning bells finally began to stir in my brain. Deserving of… generosity? Can there be such a thing? It begs the question- what would someone need to do to be deserving of my generosity? Nothing. Yet the question flipped on its head summoned another response. What would I have to do in order to be deserving of others’ generosity? Giving my firstborn child over seems to be the only immediate response.
Obviously I kid, but the premise still stands. Why is it so hard to accept other people’s generosity at times? Why have we been told you’re supposed to do everything on your own, and why do I believe that accepting help means failure? In a culture driven by money as a means for survival, it feels like the most vulnerable thing to give or receive from someone. In my mind, there is always a string attached or unspoken expectation. I want to believe in the power of outright, freely-given generosity, but I find it hard to trust in the moment. When we live in a world defined by transaction, generosity is hard to untie from obligation.
The same goes with having paid subscribers, here. I’m lookin’ at you, Mom!! Having a handful of folks that want to give a handful of dollars to me each month has significantly challenged my Generosity Guilt. While it both keeps me accountable to continue writing each month on a regular schedule, it also puts an obligation on myself to continue writing each month on a regular schedule. Not meeting that schedule, like this month, is a perfect recipe to dredge up the Guilt Goblin in me. Unfortunately, he is easily called upon and hard to exit. Of course, the last thing I want is to let my life be run by the GG. I know my loved ones don’t give to make me feel guilty, in the same way I knowhope they don’t give because they feel guilty. If we’re all generous because we think we’re supposed to be, is it really generosity?
Adam Wilson shared a great letter earlier this month about the link between privilege, guilt and gratitude within the context of human rights that really tickled my brain in a fun way. It made me wonder if the best way to kick my Guilt Goblin to the curb is not through repayment or worthiness, but gratitude. It sounds simple enough, but the practice continues to challenge me. Personally, accepting generosity from others doesn’t come easy. I have to actively dismantle my armor and intentionally say- wow, this is such a gift. I can’t believe the generosity of this person, I’m so grateful! instead of my usual- NONONONO WHYYY ARE THEY DOINGGG THISSSSS OHMYGOSH NO AHHHHHH!!
Then, instead of letting the gratitude grow from guilt, I can let it grow into my own generosity. My friend, Nelly, reminded me today that “{g}enerosity of spirit has a compounding effect. It is love in action”. Rather than getting stuck in the dead end of guilt, gratitude helps complete the cycle from receiving to giving and back again.
Receiving > Gratitude > Giving
Don’t get me wrong, it is a privilege to be on the receiving end of generosity and a lot of times we may not even recognize the generosity from which we benefit. My hope is that the more I improve at receiving in gratitude, the better I can freely give in full generosity myself- absent the Guilt Goblin or any other fantastical creature in my subconscious. The more I think about it, the more strongly I believe it isn’t one before the other, but both, all, at the same time. That’s where the real generosity comes in.
Gratefully,
Madi
Wonderful article! Is this comment section private between you and me or is it open for everyone to see?